Fic: Horny as butter
Apr. 8th, 2006 12:44 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
marcellapolman.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
ds_noticeboardPairing: Fraser/Kowalski
Rating: R
Size: less than 600 words (of mere dialog)
Note: This fic was inspired by![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
akite who pointed out to me that, “always keeping butter in the fridge is a good idea, especially if you run out of lube”. Honestly, this would never have crossed my mind, but once it did I couldn’t stop thinking about it until I wrote the story.
Horny as butter
“Ray, would you please bring me a stack of old newspapers?”
“What for, Fraser? You gonna look for ads from fridge repair people that are willing to make impromptuous house calls on hot Chicago Sunday afternoons?”
“Impromptu, Ray. And no, I’m not. But would you please …?”
…
“… Ah. Thank you kindly, Ray. Now, please help me take the contents out of the refrigerator, wrap them in newspaper, and hold them under the running tap.”
“Ah, jeez, this is why I love you so much, Fraser. You always think of something fun and exciting to do on a free afternoon.”
“There’s really no need for sarcasm, Ray. I’m only applying basic physics to our current problem. If we wrap the contents of our refrigerator in wet newspaper and place them at the open window, what little wind there is will facilitate the evaporation of the water – a process which, as you probably know, will extract energy from the products in the form of heat, thus keeping them cool.”
“I knew that, Fraser. I knew that. Let’s get at it, buddy.”
…
“Okay, Fraser. All set and done. ‘Cept for the butter dish.”
“Yes, Ray, that’s true, but I suggest that we leave the butter dish. I …”
“Fraser, do not stick your finger in the butter! You don’t need to lick it to know that it’s melting.”
“I don’t intend to lick it, Ray.”
“No? Then what are you pl … Oh, no, Fraser … Fuck.”
“You are a true mind reader, Ray.”
“Fraser, I’m not gonna … That’s gross.”
“Is it, Ray? You know, the Dutch have a saying, ‘geil als boter’, which translates as, ‘horny as butter’.”
“That’s disgusting! And you know, Fraser, if you want me to get in the mood for this, don’t have me think of the Dutch. They’re disgusting people.”
“They are? I wasn’t aware that you bore a grudge against the Dutch, Ray.”
“Ha. The Dutch are those white guys from South Africa that invented a thing called ‘apartheid’. Tell me that’s not disgusting, Fraser.”
“I won’t, Ray. And you are, to some extent, right. The people who founded Orange Free State and Transvaal at the end of the nineteenth century were mostly of Dutch origin. They were indeed the forefathers of the people who institutionalized apartheid fifty years later.”
“See? Like I said. Disgusting.”
“Yes. However, apartheid is no longer part of the constitution of South Africa. Nelson Mandela has …”
“ … kicked those bastards in the head. Yeah. Served them right, Fraser.”
“Ray, I have to say, the wording of your view on racial politics is of admirable clarity.”
“Thanks, Frase.”
“You’re welcome, Ray. Now, to return to our previous topic, if you would just spread your legs a little …”
“No, Fraser. No way. I’m n… ah, god. Fraser, you can’t …”
“I can’t what, Ray?”
“Jesus. You cannot just do that to me. You know that it’s melting me when you do that.”
“Like butter, Ray. Yes, I know.”
“Bastard.”
“I love you too, Ray, very much. Now if you’d bend over a little …”
“Ah, god … Fraser … Fuck.”
“Yes certainly, in a minute, Ray. Patience, my love.”
…
“Ray, did I succeed in convincing you that it can be fun to apply substances in ways that are, um … well … less expected?”
“Yeah, Fraser, yeah, you did. But when we’re baking those steaks that we’re planning on having for dinner tonight, don’t ask me to get the lube, okay?”
END
Rating: R
Size: less than 600 words (of mere dialog)
Note: This fic was inspired by
akite who pointed out to me that, “always keeping butter in the fridge is a good idea, especially if you run out of lube”. Honestly, this would never have crossed my mind, but once it did I couldn’t stop thinking about it until I wrote the story.Horny as butter
“Ray, would you please bring me a stack of old newspapers?”
“What for, Fraser? You gonna look for ads from fridge repair people that are willing to make impromptuous house calls on hot Chicago Sunday afternoons?”
“Impromptu, Ray. And no, I’m not. But would you please …?”
…
“… Ah. Thank you kindly, Ray. Now, please help me take the contents out of the refrigerator, wrap them in newspaper, and hold them under the running tap.”
“Ah, jeez, this is why I love you so much, Fraser. You always think of something fun and exciting to do on a free afternoon.”
“There’s really no need for sarcasm, Ray. I’m only applying basic physics to our current problem. If we wrap the contents of our refrigerator in wet newspaper and place them at the open window, what little wind there is will facilitate the evaporation of the water – a process which, as you probably know, will extract energy from the products in the form of heat, thus keeping them cool.”
“I knew that, Fraser. I knew that. Let’s get at it, buddy.”
…
“Okay, Fraser. All set and done. ‘Cept for the butter dish.”
“Yes, Ray, that’s true, but I suggest that we leave the butter dish. I …”
“Fraser, do not stick your finger in the butter! You don’t need to lick it to know that it’s melting.”
“I don’t intend to lick it, Ray.”
“No? Then what are you pl … Oh, no, Fraser … Fuck.”
“You are a true mind reader, Ray.”
“Fraser, I’m not gonna … That’s gross.”
“Is it, Ray? You know, the Dutch have a saying, ‘geil als boter’, which translates as, ‘horny as butter’.”
“That’s disgusting! And you know, Fraser, if you want me to get in the mood for this, don’t have me think of the Dutch. They’re disgusting people.”
“They are? I wasn’t aware that you bore a grudge against the Dutch, Ray.”
“Ha. The Dutch are those white guys from South Africa that invented a thing called ‘apartheid’. Tell me that’s not disgusting, Fraser.”
“I won’t, Ray. And you are, to some extent, right. The people who founded Orange Free State and Transvaal at the end of the nineteenth century were mostly of Dutch origin. They were indeed the forefathers of the people who institutionalized apartheid fifty years later.”
“See? Like I said. Disgusting.”
“Yes. However, apartheid is no longer part of the constitution of South Africa. Nelson Mandela has …”
“ … kicked those bastards in the head. Yeah. Served them right, Fraser.”
“Ray, I have to say, the wording of your view on racial politics is of admirable clarity.”
“Thanks, Frase.”
“You’re welcome, Ray. Now, to return to our previous topic, if you would just spread your legs a little …”
“No, Fraser. No way. I’m n… ah, god. Fraser, you can’t …”
“I can’t what, Ray?”
“Jesus. You cannot just do that to me. You know that it’s melting me when you do that.”
“Like butter, Ray. Yes, I know.”
“Bastard.”
“I love you too, Ray, very much. Now if you’d bend over a little …”
“Ah, god … Fraser … Fuck.”
“Yes certainly, in a minute, Ray. Patience, my love.”
…
“Ray, did I succeed in convincing you that it can be fun to apply substances in ways that are, um … well … less expected?”
“Yeah, Fraser, yeah, you did. But when we’re baking those steaks that we’re planning on having for dinner tonight, don’t ask me to get the lube, okay?”
END
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Date: 2006-04-10 08:04 am (UTC)