Fic: Horny as butter
Apr. 8th, 2006 12:44 pm![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
marcellapolman.livejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
ds_noticeboardPairing: Fraser/Kowalski
Rating: R
Size: less than 600 words (of mere dialog)
Note: This fic was inspired by![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
akite who pointed out to me that, “always keeping butter in the fridge is a good idea, especially if you run out of lube”. Honestly, this would never have crossed my mind, but once it did I couldn’t stop thinking about it until I wrote the story.
Horny as butter
“Ray, would you please bring me a stack of old newspapers?”
“What for, Fraser? You gonna look for ads from fridge repair people that are willing to make impromptuous house calls on hot Chicago Sunday afternoons?”
“Impromptu, Ray. And no, I’m not. But would you please …?”
…
“… Ah. Thank you kindly, Ray. Now, please help me take the contents out of the refrigerator, wrap them in newspaper, and hold them under the running tap.”
“Ah, jeez, this is why I love you so much, Fraser. You always think of something fun and exciting to do on a free afternoon.”
“There’s really no need for sarcasm, Ray. I’m only applying basic physics to our current problem. If we wrap the contents of our refrigerator in wet newspaper and place them at the open window, what little wind there is will facilitate the evaporation of the water – a process which, as you probably know, will extract energy from the products in the form of heat, thus keeping them cool.”
“I knew that, Fraser. I knew that. Let’s get at it, buddy.”
…
“Okay, Fraser. All set and done. ‘Cept for the butter dish.”
“Yes, Ray, that’s true, but I suggest that we leave the butter dish. I …”
“Fraser, do not stick your finger in the butter! You don’t need to lick it to know that it’s melting.”
“I don’t intend to lick it, Ray.”
“No? Then what are you pl … Oh, no, Fraser … Fuck.”
“You are a true mind reader, Ray.”
“Fraser, I’m not gonna … That’s gross.”
“Is it, Ray? You know, the Dutch have a saying, ‘geil als boter’, which translates as, ‘horny as butter’.”
“That’s disgusting! And you know, Fraser, if you want me to get in the mood for this, don’t have me think of the Dutch. They’re disgusting people.”
“They are? I wasn’t aware that you bore a grudge against the Dutch, Ray.”
“Ha. The Dutch are those white guys from South Africa that invented a thing called ‘apartheid’. Tell me that’s not disgusting, Fraser.”
“I won’t, Ray. And you are, to some extent, right. The people who founded Orange Free State and Transvaal at the end of the nineteenth century were mostly of Dutch origin. They were indeed the forefathers of the people who institutionalized apartheid fifty years later.”
“See? Like I said. Disgusting.”
“Yes. However, apartheid is no longer part of the constitution of South Africa. Nelson Mandela has …”
“ … kicked those bastards in the head. Yeah. Served them right, Fraser.”
“Ray, I have to say, the wording of your view on racial politics is of admirable clarity.”
“Thanks, Frase.”
“You’re welcome, Ray. Now, to return to our previous topic, if you would just spread your legs a little …”
“No, Fraser. No way. I’m n… ah, god. Fraser, you can’t …”
“I can’t what, Ray?”
“Jesus. You cannot just do that to me. You know that it’s melting me when you do that.”
“Like butter, Ray. Yes, I know.”
“Bastard.”
“I love you too, Ray, very much. Now if you’d bend over a little …”
“Ah, god … Fraser … Fuck.”
“Yes certainly, in a minute, Ray. Patience, my love.”
…
“Ray, did I succeed in convincing you that it can be fun to apply substances in ways that are, um … well … less expected?”
“Yeah, Fraser, yeah, you did. But when we’re baking those steaks that we’re planning on having for dinner tonight, don’t ask me to get the lube, okay?”
END
Rating: R
Size: less than 600 words (of mere dialog)
Note: This fic was inspired by
akite who pointed out to me that, “always keeping butter in the fridge is a good idea, especially if you run out of lube”. Honestly, this would never have crossed my mind, but once it did I couldn’t stop thinking about it until I wrote the story.Horny as butter
“Ray, would you please bring me a stack of old newspapers?”
“What for, Fraser? You gonna look for ads from fridge repair people that are willing to make impromptuous house calls on hot Chicago Sunday afternoons?”
“Impromptu, Ray. And no, I’m not. But would you please …?”
…
“… Ah. Thank you kindly, Ray. Now, please help me take the contents out of the refrigerator, wrap them in newspaper, and hold them under the running tap.”
“Ah, jeez, this is why I love you so much, Fraser. You always think of something fun and exciting to do on a free afternoon.”
“There’s really no need for sarcasm, Ray. I’m only applying basic physics to our current problem. If we wrap the contents of our refrigerator in wet newspaper and place them at the open window, what little wind there is will facilitate the evaporation of the water – a process which, as you probably know, will extract energy from the products in the form of heat, thus keeping them cool.”
“I knew that, Fraser. I knew that. Let’s get at it, buddy.”
…
“Okay, Fraser. All set and done. ‘Cept for the butter dish.”
“Yes, Ray, that’s true, but I suggest that we leave the butter dish. I …”
“Fraser, do not stick your finger in the butter! You don’t need to lick it to know that it’s melting.”
“I don’t intend to lick it, Ray.”
“No? Then what are you pl … Oh, no, Fraser … Fuck.”
“You are a true mind reader, Ray.”
“Fraser, I’m not gonna … That’s gross.”
“Is it, Ray? You know, the Dutch have a saying, ‘geil als boter’, which translates as, ‘horny as butter’.”
“That’s disgusting! And you know, Fraser, if you want me to get in the mood for this, don’t have me think of the Dutch. They’re disgusting people.”
“They are? I wasn’t aware that you bore a grudge against the Dutch, Ray.”
“Ha. The Dutch are those white guys from South Africa that invented a thing called ‘apartheid’. Tell me that’s not disgusting, Fraser.”
“I won’t, Ray. And you are, to some extent, right. The people who founded Orange Free State and Transvaal at the end of the nineteenth century were mostly of Dutch origin. They were indeed the forefathers of the people who institutionalized apartheid fifty years later.”
“See? Like I said. Disgusting.”
“Yes. However, apartheid is no longer part of the constitution of South Africa. Nelson Mandela has …”
“ … kicked those bastards in the head. Yeah. Served them right, Fraser.”
“Ray, I have to say, the wording of your view on racial politics is of admirable clarity.”
“Thanks, Frase.”
“You’re welcome, Ray. Now, to return to our previous topic, if you would just spread your legs a little …”
“No, Fraser. No way. I’m n… ah, god. Fraser, you can’t …”
“I can’t what, Ray?”
“Jesus. You cannot just do that to me. You know that it’s melting me when you do that.”
“Like butter, Ray. Yes, I know.”
“Bastard.”
“I love you too, Ray, very much. Now if you’d bend over a little …”
“Ah, god … Fraser … Fuck.”
“Yes certainly, in a minute, Ray. Patience, my love.”
…
“Ray, did I succeed in convincing you that it can be fun to apply substances in ways that are, um … well … less expected?”
“Yeah, Fraser, yeah, you did. But when we’re baking those steaks that we’re planning on having for dinner tonight, don’t ask me to get the lube, okay?”
END
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2006-04-08 11:19 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-04-10 07:58 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-04-08 11:39 am (UTC)Great ficlet, You really got me laughing out loud: “Ah, jeez, this is why I love you so much, Fraser. You always think of something fun and exciting to do on a free afternoon.”
And "geil als boter" - I havr to remember that one!
no subject
Date: 2006-04-10 08:00 am (UTC)Thanks for your feedback.
no subject
Date: 2006-04-08 12:07 pm (UTC)Ray + unexpected butter = greatness.
no subject
Date: 2006-04-10 08:01 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-04-08 03:41 pm (UTC)“ … kicked those bastards in the head. Yeah. Served them right, Fraser.”
Lord, the whole apartheid conversation is nothing short of utter genius. Oh, and sex. Yay sex!
no subject
Date: 2006-04-10 08:04 am (UTC)Everything's better with a little bit of butter :)
Date: 2006-04-09 12:27 am (UTC)This is terrific:
“Bastard.”
“I love you too, Ray, very much. Now if you’d bent over a little …” (Oops--should be "bend," though.)
“Ah, god … Fraser … Fuck.”
“Yes certainly, in a minute, Ray. Patience, my love.”
Really good Ray/Fraser banter! Fraser made that joke twice, and I loved it both times.
One quibble: I didn't get why Ray brought up apartheid; it didn't seem to fit, but what really bothered me about it was that I just can't hear him saying "the Dutch are disgusting people." Maybe there's something lost in translation in that section. "Disgusting" means "nauseating," "gross," "yucky." That sounds awfully prejudiced for a guy who's complaining about prejudice. And I think even Ray, whose command of geography is probably not stellar, would associate the term "Dutch" with "the Netherlands"--and wooden shoes, windmills, tulips, and Hans Brinker--long before he'd associate it with the Afrikaaners.
Still, it's a fun little interlude, and clever use of an idiom: "horny as butter." I love ever-practical Sexy!Fraser, and I love Ray's learning something new in such an enjoyable way. :)
Re: Everything's better with a little bit of butter :)
Date: 2006-04-10 08:16 am (UTC)What happened was this: I had just written “Wedding vows” for the “For Richer or Poorer Challenge” on DS-flashfiction – a fic that had turned out reasonably okay, but featured an ‘original’ character that was on the verge, or over the edge, of Mary Sue. I was shocked! I mean … Mary Sue! I instantly resolved to prevent writing any future Mary Sues at all costs.
Then Akite commented on my story, and for reasons that don’t need exploring at this juncture I thought: ‘geil als boter’.
So I had three ingredients for a new fic: sex, butter, and a Dutch saying. I felt the story needed a reference to the Dutch – and not in a good way (see aforementioned resolution). Imagine that I’d written something like Ray getting aroused by the thought of the Dutch … I would have been exiled from the fandom – and rightfully so!
The thing is: ‘Horny as butter’ is as much about power as it is about sex. Not all BF/RK stories picture the guys’ power balance skewed, and those that do don’t all depict it as a problem, but in HaB Ray is fed up with the Mountie having the upper hand; bragging about his knowledge of physics, his grasp of foreign languages, and his resourcefulness.
So when Fraser comes up with that stupid Dutch saying to stress his point, Ray has to come up with something strong against it. After all, using butter as lube *is* disgusting. (I might not be able to conjugate my verbs correctly all the time (flaw is redeemed - thanks), but I do know what ‘disgusting’ means and I used the word fully intentionally.)
Wooden shoes, windmills, and tulips are tacky all right, but they aren’t gross. What is gross? Apartheid is. And the Dutch gave it its name.
Of course, Ray knows that most Dutch live in Europe and that they are just as opposed to apartheid as the rest of the Western world. He knows who Nelson Mandela is and what he did for the constitution of South Africa. Ray isn’t stupid, he just doesn’t want melted butter up his ass – because it’s disgusting and *especially* because it’s one of the Mountie’s brainwaves.
To be honest, I thought it was quite cunning of me to feature sex, butter and apartheid in one fic containing less than 600 words. My crackfic muscles are loose now.