FIC: Long Journey Home 7, H/C, Fraser/Ray K

[xtricks.livejournal.com]

Next installment.

http://www.squidge.org/dsa/archive/12/longjourney7.html

Comments

[djinanna.livejournal.com]

Oh well done! The whole confrontation -- the visceral description of Ray from Fraser's POV, the build-up to Fraser's emotional venting -- just splendid! And, oh, what he finally admitted - yay!

Poor babies.

Dief's dead, isn't he? I mean, I don't think you've mentioned him since the confrontation with the poachers, but I've been bracing myself....

[xtricks.livejournal.com]

Hrm. Normally I don't comment on stuff that hasnt' been posted but I can say that I rarely do animal death (or, animals that have names and personalities anyway). And I wouldn't drag it out like this.

[xtricks.livejournal.com]

Thanks on the kudos! I had a difficult time with this section; getting Fraser to act out was more of a challenge than I expected.

Criticism coming up.

[wordwitch.livejournal.com]

Okay, this is good, this is all very good - your plotting and timing is excellent, your characterization is great. You gotta understand that these are the most important things, you're doing worthwhile things here.

It can be better.

Look at these two sentences, these are great:

Ray rubbed his hands together briskly, bracelet glimmering, and leaned to him. His face was drawn, tired, and fierce, like Fraser remembered from their years in Chicago.

Excellent. Two words would make them better: the word "toward" rather than "to" in the first one, and the word "as" rather than "like" in the second one. This is suggested simply because it is Fraser who is doing the perceiving.

Now look at this sentence:

Fraser watched him fidget for another moment than toss any more dissembling out the window.

I can't tell what you want to say in it. It looks like parts of two sentences, and I want both of them.

In this one, it's a matter of punctuation:

"Nothing," he answered, like Ray, Fraser gave up on any pretense of ignorance.

It needs to be "answered; like Ray" because it is a joining of two sentences.

This one is a trifle more minor:

I don't think I ever heard you say what you wanted."

"You almost die and it's still all not wanting and not asking and--"

When the same person is continuing to talk in two separate paragraphs, don't close the first set of quote marks, but go ahead and use the opening second ones, more like this:

I don't think I ever heard you say what you wanted.

"You almost die and it's still all not wanting and not asking and--"

This is excellent, vivid, wonderful:

Ray tossed his hands in the air and shoved out of his chair to pace. Fraser pushed himself a little more upright, feeling the wash of his blood in his body for what seemed to be the first time since he'd awakened, Ray was like the sun, too vivid to ignore, too maddening to simply tolerate.

I'd still turn the comma after "awakened" into either a period or a semicolon.

This is excellent as it stands:

He dragged in a ragged breath, ashamed of himself but Ray wasn't looking shocked, he wasn't staring at him disapprovingly. He was, he was there, right there arms around Fraser's shoulders, hands hard on his tired shoulders.

It shows the dichotomy between what Fraser expects and has tried to conform with, and what Ray demands of him and is more than willing to accept. Beautiful.

This story is shatteringly good. A minute bit of polish will - not make it better, but display it better.

Fiercely,

WW

Re: Criticism coming up.

[xtricks.livejournal.com]

Thanks for the feedback/crit--and it's all good. I don't have a beta in general, let alone for dS, so I'm always thrilled to get feedback of any sort.

I had a hard time beating this chapter into shape and when that happens my grammar always suffers because I'm adding and moving individual sentences, which mucks things up.

[cbtreks.livejournal.com]

This just keeps getting better. I love seeing Fraser's wall crumbling, I love that he wonders how what he wants has to do with anything (I remember feeling like that myself in the past and it's such a hopeless, helpless feeling). I love that Ray is there for him, making him talk, getting through to him. And now I want to know what happens next!

Kudos

[(Anonymous)]

Fantastic job!

This has been a great story so far, and I can't wait for more.

You've been doing such a great job with the characters.

from this chapter, my favorite lines:
"Maggie. She sounded like Fraser except shorter."
it says so much in such a short sentence. Maggie is so great in this story.
and
"I want. I want Dief! Where is he? I want--I want to get out of here, I hate it here!"
his first "want" is Dief. I'm so glad you aren't killing Dief. You killed some dramatic tension by admitting that, because we all thought Dief was dead, but thank you for not killing Dief. I'm looking forward to the reunion scene....

Great story! more please?


cheers,

Springwoof